Learn how to forgive to improve your life. Forgiveness can bring you freedom from pain and sadness physically, mentally, and emotionally. Even if you were hurt by someone you loved, a business associate, or even a stranger. You can find peace through forgiveness. But how do you forgive?
The first question we need to answer is, “Why on earth should I forgive the person who hurt me? That person is terrible. He or she betrayed me! They made my life miserable! I now live in fear and mistrust! Along with the audacity that they don’t even care about what they did to me!
Yes, I Understand that It is Difficult to Forgive
Ah, yes! I do understand the difficulty of forgiving! My ex-husband left me for a younger woman. He revealed his affair in a letter he handed to me and sat beside me while I read it. The letter went on about how great our relationship was. And after several pages, he wrote that he had fallen deeply in love with someone else. He added a comment before signing the letter, “You will always be in my heart.”
What?! I thought. You have the nerve to say that “I will always be in your heart!” when you want to be with someone else…when you are leaving me?
So, I went through all the crying, sleepless nights, vengeful thoughts, arguments, and pleading to save the marriage. I was anxious and depressed and felt like I was not enough as a woman or human being. It was terrible!
Yet, just before that fateful moment when he arrived at the house with the goodbye letter, I had been listening to a tape by Carolyn Myss. She said that when an adverse event happens to you, that is important to ask, “What is the gift?” Those words haunted me through my grief, anger, and pain.
My Brain Was Full of Noise
As the weeks went by, I compared the sound of thoughts in my mind to the noise of a bowling alley where bowling balls were rolling down the lanes and making a booming sound as they hit the pins repeatedly! I thought about what he said, how he had lied and sneaked around, and I kept asking, “How could this happen to me?”
I found that I could easily get lost in self-pity and despair when I reviewed the events that had happened. My mind had a way of linking other negative experiences to this event until I had a mountain of negative thoughts to get over.
When I finally realized that the marriage was over and the divorce was final, I still was trying to come up with ways to get back at him. I remembered a line from the movie First Wives Club, “Don’t worry about getting even; get everything!” But there wasn’t much to get.
Holding Anger is Terrible for Your Health
Finally, at the depths of my misery, I started learning about the downside of continuing the way I was thinking. I knew that anger, thoughts of revenge, and somehow getting justice were terrible for our health. All those negative emotions collapse our immune systems, pile up stress and anxiety, and raise our blood pressure and heart rate!
All those upsetting thoughts and emotions affect our nervous system. They can trigger chronic pain, autoimmune disorders, even fibromyalgia, muscle stiffness, sleep disturbances, and fatigue. I learned that anger, resentment, and vengefulness are like taking poison.
What is the Antidote to the Poison/Prison of Negative Thoughts and Emotions?
The antidote to the poison/prison of negative thoughts and emotions is forgiveness. When you forgive another and yourself, you let go of the anger, sadness, and pain, and you go free.
As a moment of humor, remember, the author Oscar Wilde wrote: Always forgive your enemies; nothing else bothers them so much!
Humor aside, it is essential to realize that forgiveness is not a pardon, an excuse, forgetting, denial, or condonation. Forgiveness is giving forward for YOU! Not the person who hurt you. You can move forward without the baggage and health issues that non-forgiveness and negative emotions create.
You Need to Protect Your Health and Future Well-Being
Health is a state of complete physical, mental, and social well-being. Your health is not just the absence of disease. Nothing is more important than caring for your body, mind, and spirit! You are not hurting whoever “they” are! When you hate another person, you are only hurting yourself by continuing to concentrate with anger on the person and event that changed your life.
So, How Do You Forgive?
So, as I held tight to my anger and sadness, my health was in jeopardy. My blood pressure went up. I couldn’t sleep and didn’t feel like eating, which is very unusual. It was obvious that I needed to forgive so I could give forward for my life.
A search began to learn how to forgive, asking my close friends and minister. I read books about forgiveness but still didn’t know HOW to forgive. What were steps, 1, 2, and 3? Unfortunately, the authors who wrote about the efforts needed to forgive sounded complicated and incomplete. It didn’t make sense that I could say, “I forgive him and her for being rotten.” and somehow it would happen.
I had almost given up when I walked into an airport bookstore, and there in front of me on a round rack was a book I purchased called “How to Forgive.” Once on the plane, I started reading and stopped short when I read, “You can’t do the act of forgiving alone. You need to turn it over to God.”
You Can’t Forgive Alone
At first, the idea of God doing the forgiving seemed like a cop-out. I thought it was me forgiving. How could it work if I don’t do it myself? Okay! I thought to myself. I will turn this forgiveness project over to you, God! I am tired of trying to figure it out to do it myself. Good luck!
I closed my eyes in prayer as I sat in my airplane seat and said quietly, “Dear God, please help me to forgive my ex-husband and his girlfriend for hurting me so deeply. Please lift this weight of anger, sadness, disappointment, and despair out of my mind and body. Help me to forgive!”
And then I realized that I wanted to forgive myself also. Why? Because I had psychically seen them together, although I had never met her. I had felt that something was wrong in our relationship. Yet, I denied what I knew intuitively. Months had gone by that didn’t need to be wasted if I had just faced the truth.
I started crying on the plane. I went into deep sobs as I released years of pain from events of the past that were all connected to this experience of being betrayed and abandoned.
The Clouds Began to Lift from Over My Head
Over the next few days, it felt as if clouds were lifting from over my head. I didn’t feel so heavy and weighed down. The noise of a bowling alley seemed to subside, and soon I could see a clear sky. The thoughts of upset and revenge were quieting, and I began to feel happier and able to breathe more easily. And then, the clouds were gone.
As the months rolled by, the memory of the events began to fade. Days passed when I didn’t think about my ex or what had happened. I could concentrate on the present moment and focus my mind and heart on the future.
The loss slowly revealed the “gift,” as Carolyn Myss had said. The gift was to move back from the mountain (to Idyllwild, CA) to make my own decisions about expanding my life. Another advantage was being free to bring my mom to live with me when she needed my care. She passed away in May of 2001. And last but not least, I was also available when my long-time partner returned to the U.S., and our undying love brought us together again
The Power of Forgiveness
The power of forgiveness is the ability to clear away negative experiences from your mind and heart. Only a Higher Consciousness, your higher self, God, and the Angels can raise your spirits out of the dungeon of despair. As you know, you can’t fix a problem at the level of the problem.
So, turn forgiveness over to God, the Universal Consciousness, and go free.
Contact me for a Free 15-Minute Chat on Zoom to see if you’re ready to begin your Journey to Wholeness…
Perhaps it is time for you to transform your life. It is never too early or too late to understand how you create your reality with your beliefs, generating your thoughts, which activate your emotions that lead to actions that become your life.
I would love to help you release the past and create a future that is truly made up of the Desires of Your Heart! To set up a fifteen-minute chat, email VerlaineC@CreativeLifeAdventures.com
Verlaine Crawford is an Author, Transformational Coach, and Inspirational Speaker. She was invited to teach personal growth and spiritual awareness worldwide. She is the author of four best-selling books and publisher of two by John Teressi: See Books to Enhance Your Life. Verlaine’s bio click here and at www.VerlaineCrawford.com.
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