Let Go of the Person You Cannot Save
What do I mean? Why would I tell you to let go of a family member or someone you fell in love with who is a narcissist? Because I spent too many years serving the narcissistic needs of someone I thought would change. I couldn’t believe it was possible that the movie of his and my life would get worse because I gave of my heart, mind, time, financial resources, and physical and mental health until I could give no more.
Letting go of a narcissistic person is one of the most difficult things you will ever do. Too many of us have dealt with an ego-centric person or people in our lives who are always in turmoil. They seem to thrive on upset, anger, and cruelty. They lie, cheat, steal without remorse or apology, and at the same time, play the victim and cry, “Woe is me!”
We often feel like failures when we cannot save the poor, confused, needy person we “think” we love.
The question is: What do we love about him or her?
We often remember the love we felt when we first met or grew up together in the same family. We remember the person “we fell in love with” who seemed to be honest, kind, responsive, joyful, and full of love and respect for who we are. Later…over months and/or years, we try to forget what has been revealed about him or her.
We try to make excuses to cover up the cruelty, lying, cheating, stealing, and more for ourselves and others. There is a belief we hold onto that who they were in those glorious moments is who they truly are!
Not so, my friend. Not so.
As Rene Eram in his book The Addict’s Loop: A New Understanding And Workbook For Codependent Relationships And Addiction helps us to see, codependency is a double-edged sword. We, you and me, are responding to this person either in the form of a controller or a dependent and sometimes we reverse roles.
Either “persona” that we portray becomes addictive. Without realizing our participation, we feed off the emotion of watching and being involved with their chaos. We experience heightened adrenaline in our systems from being stressed out, angry, and frustrated about narcissistic behavior.
When we let go of the perpetrator (interesting that the word traitor is in perpetrator), we feel empty. We feel something is missing. We think it is that person. What we are missing is actually the adrenaline.
So, why do you think narcissistic people are so resistant to and seemingly incapable of changing their behavior? Research shows that over the years most people grow and develop emotionally. Unfortunately, a narcissist does not mature emotionally, and they often get worse with age when their past catches up with them.
Symptoms of Narcissism
To begin with, the ego-centric person has a rigid personality that cannot understand the problem. Thus, they will not accept responsibility for their behavior and detest being held accountable. They deny and refuse criticism as they firmly stand in front of you lying to your face, Narcissists are unable to see or confront the truth, and if you try to awaken them to reality, they act as if they are the ones being mistreated.
People with narcissistic pathology think they are special and that other people ought to go above and beyond for them. They seem to be unaware that they take and rarely give love and attention. After all, the narcissist believes he or she suffers more than anybody else, thus their views and actions are completely justified.
Why Can’t a Narcissist Change?
A narcissist refuses to alter their behavior because they think it benefits them. The false self is draped over their rigid personality structure, stifling any chance for the stunted, true self to emerge. When a narcissist reaches adulthood, they remain who they are and cannot change into another kind of human. It is beyond frustrating.
The bottom line is if you don’t accept that you cannot change a narcissist, your involvement in their behavior will damage you physically and mentally.
Please, please, let go of the Narcissist!
Please, please, let go of the narcissist, the pathological liar, the sociopath. Instead of your getting high from anger and frustration, get high with exercise and dance away the pain and the feeling of loss. I know. I held on, trying to be a savior, for over thirty years, until he passed away.
Get used to having free time and keep busy physically. Take classes and learn something new. Become involved in activities, events, and fundraisers, and let go of the person who hurt you so deeply and betrayed you so easily. Let go of being addicted to confusion, pain, upset, and anger. Be free!
Contact Verlaine for a Free 15-Minute Chat on Zoom that could Transform Your Life…
Perhaps it is time for you to transform your life. It is never too early or too late to understand how you create your reality with your beliefs, generating your thoughts, which activate your emotions that lead to your actions that become your life.
I would love to help you release the past and create a future that is truly made up of the Desires of Your Heart! Email me at VerlainC@CreativeLifeAdventures.com, and we’ll set up a time to chat.
Verlaine Crawford is an Author, Transformational Coach, and Inspirational Speaker. She was invited to teach personal growth and spiritual awareness worldwide. She is the author of four best-selling books and publisher of two by John Teressi: See Books to Enhance Your Life. Verlaine’s bio click here.
To set up a fifteen-minute chat, email VerlaineC@CreativeLifeAdventures.com.
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